Increased Intensity

Not sure if there’s something in the water, but my intensity and the intensity of those I communicate with regularly has changed. Over the weekend and the first couple of days this weeks, it seems as if I’m more irritable. It also seems as if I’m discontent. Not unhappy or depressed, but in general, not happy, not fulfilled.

I am tired of recovering from the accident. I’m tired of slow healing. I’m tired of people telling me it’ll take time. I’m tired of people not calling to check and see if i’m okay. I’m tired of the heat and living n a place with no air conditioning. I’m tired of my current financial situation. I’m tired of starting and not finishing projects. I’m tired, plain and simple.

My current situation is temporary. I know that it is and it will change, but my feelings towards the past few months, without writing it down, I wouldn’t recall this time next year. It seems important and the feelings may wane over time, but today it’s different.

I am seemingly powerless over my current situation. I am seemingly at the mercy of my slow healing body. I am seemingly doomed to my mind and my inability to connect the dots. Those things could all be true, but I also know something else could be true. I could be having a pity party. I could be feeling sorry for myself. I could be. I may be. My thoughts are a bit scattered and I’m uncertain. That may, perhaps, be part of the reason I’m irritable.

I can say this with certainty. I am not a victim. I am not powerless. I am permanently bound to temporary situations. Sure, I could have died, but I didn’t. Sure, my bank account balance is tragically low and still shrinking. Sure, I don’t have any source of income, other than donations. Sure, my hand is freaking hurting as I write this. Here’s the other thing I’m sure of…I’m still writing!

Life doesn’t stop because it’s a little challenging. I’ve had enough experiences, highs and lows, to know this is not the way thing will always be. This too shall pass. Change is the only constant and any other saying that pop into mind. I will keep going. I will keep working. I will find other, more profitable contracts. I will secure residual streams of income. I will recover physically and mentally. I will recover financially. I will. Failure is an option and I’ve have that experience. I will not repeat the past. It served its purpose and I’ve learned the lesson. The next few weeks and months will lay the foundation of what will become my lasting legacy.

Today, Tuesday, April 23, 2024, I am grateful that:

I’m able to set boundaries. I’ve been down since my accident, but there are things that are still unacceptable. Behaviors, speech, and the like are all things that MUST fall into what I’d consider acceptable. When they don’t, I can cutoff those individuals entirely or at least have a conversation and inform them of my offense.

Albeit quite late in the day, I am finishing this list. Construction outside of my place, slow start to the morning, and a few other things derailed my writing first thing in the morning. I’m okay with slow starts and slow finishes, as long as whatever the task gets finished.

I’m getting more and more angry. The i

This is the first part of the entry.