Ego Deflation

Living in another country, writing my second and third novels, without a source of income is challenging. I’ve been in the Philippines since the day after Thanksgiving 2018. I’ve working and writing my books since my arrival. I’ve had to take a position teaching English as a second language. I’ve lived with a friend, paying no rent and living well within my means for about six weeks. I’ve been doing absolutely everything within my power to stay afloat, to remain focused and committed to my purpose for being here, in this place at this time.

Alas, it hasn’t been enough. I’ve nearly depleted all my financial resources. I’ve come to a place where I have been forced to ask for assistance, financially. I’ve been in this place for more than a week and have refused to ask for aid. I’ve been “living small” and it isn’t enough. I must do more. I have to become humble enough to ask for help and I’d been refusing to do the most simple of things.

Earlier today I had a conversation with a friend, Grady, who simple repeated what I’ve said to him, “A closed mouth don’t get fed.” He then informed I was either in fear of rejection and being told “no” or that I had too much pride to ask for help. Our conversation was brief but impactful. I admitted I had no problem with being rejected but rather exposing myself and being vulnerable, letting people know what I was doing was my primary fear. I then admitted I could overcome my fear and remain uncomfortable by exposing this portion of my current journey. We ended our call and I made another call seeking assistance.

Today, Friday, February 22, 2019, I am grateful that:

I have people whom I trust their experience. One of the great things about being able maintain long term relationships is the benefit that time offers. Over the course of years, sometimes decades, a bond develops which allows me and those close to me to know each other with a certain depth and weight unable to be reached within a couple of weeks or months.

I am willing take action based on the experience of those I trust. I was able to not only ask for someone’s experience but also hear their message then take action based on their feedback. It’s vital to not only ask for assistance but then move on the feedback you’ve asked for.

People are able to see what I am doing and willing to offer assistance in this phase of my journey. It’s my belief what I’m doing seems “crazy.” For most I’ve shared this journey with, they typically respond with a feeling of “awe.” I probably should open up and share this phase more but it’s extremely uncomfortable and leaves me exposed to the thoughts and words of others whom may not be able to see what I am doing and offer insults or comments based on their views. I am not a place where I am willing to divert the mental energy needed to combat and expel their disbeliefs and views, it’s easier for me to just not expose myself to the possibilities.

I am learning my “inner circle” has to be redefined. I have those close to me that I truly trust and I must allow them to participate in this part of my journey. I have to continue to trust them as they’ve always been one of my champions. It’s important to have ad

This is the first part of the entry.